3 Weeks On From a Mum Who Didn’t Want Anymore Kids

(Last Updated On: December 14, 2018)

mum who didn't want anymore kids

This is a rather long post that I sat down this morning and just felt the urge to write out. So I have broken it down into sections with ‘sub headings’ to make it for easier reading. My husband and I had agreed a long time ago that 2 kids is enough. In fact, Miss 3 is a rather strong willed child so we often feel like we were already dealing with more than 2 kids. Everytime we were asked if we would have another one, we would always say confidently that we were done with adding to the brood and we always had a whole list of reasons not to have another. Recently, I have found that I keep getting asked how I feel as a mum who was so sure she didn’t want anymore kids.

I can almost feel judgemental eyes from other mums…

I have nothing against kids. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids (Do I really have to justify and explain myself like that? Oh, you never know, people seem to put on their ‘misread-everything’ hat on the interwebs) I love my kids and I do like kids in general – in fact, I taught at a primary school before I switched and taught adults.

My justification though is that we had kids relatively young which meant that we also missed out on a lot of experiences. No, I am not complaining because it is certainly not the fault of children (who do not have a choice to be born or not). It’s just matter of fact and I’m just being honest. Seeing friends use their youth to travel around the world and get involved in all sorts of adventure did not sting me with jealousy, but it did just highlight the truth, that when you have kids, you usually have to change your lifestyle and it’s just not as easy and convenient to do the things you could have done when you were single. So after 2 kids, we really didn’t want anymore. We looked forward to having our couple-only holiday once a year to explore the world and go on adventures that we didn’t get to when we were younger. #truth #honesty #dontjudge  Or even if you do judge, try to understand what I’m saying here because I’m not complaining but just stating facts.

Finding out about my pregnancy

It was against this backdrop that I first found out that I was pregnant again. You would think though that I would have been disappointed or upset but I was surprised to find myself rather delighted. I remember that Miss 3 was home with me and I made her take a photo with me (AND the positive pregnancy test – the whole shizzle, tell me I’m not the only one!). All of a sudden, it became an exciting prospect. Another baby, another sibling for my 2 girls. Husband had been complaining that Miss 3 has grown up so fast, her feet have become so much bigger now. The idea of a little precious bundle to hold, carry, shower with kisses suddenly excited me. I didn’t expect to be as excited as I was – but that was what happened.

Shit hits the fan

After I fell really ill during my pregnancy though, things did kind of shift. I was really depressed from being ill. I won’t even repeat myself but it was the whole constant vomiting, losing weight, not being able to eat, laying in bed crying as I couldn’t do anything and had no energy whatsoever. In all honesty, I started to have negative thoughts that ran along the lines of ‘why, why, why would I even go through this again’, ‘I had just gotten my freedom back (freedom from having a newborn and from suffering pregnancy-caused health problems), I don’t want to do this again!’

I really should stop here and say that I am grateful for the gift of pregnancy. I understand there are women who would love to be in my shoes, pregnancy ills and all. I’m definitely not expressing any ungratefulness for this privilege. In fact, I have always said one of the most miraculous and special things I have experienced in my life, is feeling a baby move inside me – it is just pure magical.

All I’m saying is, when you’re spewing for the 6th time in the day and it’s 11am in the morning, and you spew with so much force that your chest hurts and you can’t breathe, you start choking, your eyes tear up from fear, and you’re sick of having your face in the toilet, you feel dizzy and faint when you get up, hear your 3 year old walking around having to look after herself and feel a wave of guilt, you sit on the floor for 15 minutes trying to get enough strength to get up and crawl into bed, you make it into bed… only to get a short hour rest and feel sick all over again – it is hard, so hard and you start questioning it all.  (Yes, I’m quite the fan of extremely long sentences – don’t be a grammar nazi!)

You feel sick of being sick. And then, you chastise yourself for being weak and tell yourself to quit complaining because there are people out there who suffer worse for God’s sake and you have no right crying over feeling some pregnancy ills. It’s a depressing cycle.

All that aside, it’s been 3 weeks on since birth…

and do I feel different?

Thankfully, I feel completely different.

You know how they say you have to get through the storm to see/enjoy the rainbow?

Very cliche but it was so true in this instance.

Because I was so sick and so down in the depths, the minute my pregnancy ended after the birth, I was so absolutely appreciative of having my body back that I was in such good spirits.

Yes, post-pregnancy came with its own pains and all but I remembered my pregnancy journey and it didn’t even come close to the pain, distress and discomfort I felt. I was so overjoyed it was all over. I was happy I could walk (bounce) around with light steps again, not feel sick, not limp around from sciatic pain… I was in extremely high spirits.

It’s like I had to have that bad experience to contrast with.

Ironically, it gave me strength and a whole lot of positivity to deal with the first few challenging weeks of having a newborn. (Of course, it really helps that she’s a really easy baby!)

Do I regret all the pain and discomfort I went through? It was really tough but no, I don’t regret it.

Do I regret having another child? No, not at all, I cannot imagine not having little Michaela in my life now – even though it’s only been less than a month.

I used to hear women say that after going through all the pain (whether during pregnancy or child birth), it’s all worth it when you see your baby. I used to think that was cliche but I believe it now.

There’s really nothing like a mother’s love. I try not to think about what I went through during pregnancy but all I know is that I can’t not have my Michaela.

If you’re as lucky as me to suffer like that during pregnancy (Gosh I seriously wouldn’t wish it on anyone), I just want to encourage you to persevere. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel seems to be too long. Most pregnancy ills are just that, pregnancy ills. I was limping around and not able to walk properly for months through my pregnancy but right after the birth, it all went away and I was good again. If you would like to chat, I would love to make your acquaintance. You know how to contact me x

 

 

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12 Comments

  • We knew we only wanted 2 kids as well. However we did have a pregnancy scare at one stage (the worst possible time – just bought the “worst house in the best street” and moved in – it was tiny, the mortgage was huge, I was back at work and our 2 kids were at school so finally moving on to the next stage of life) and do you know what, I was amazed at how excited I was about the possibility. It didn’t end up coming to anything but it just goes to show, never say never!!!!

  • I love this post! Everything here resonates with me. I’m an older mom (dangerously close to 40) and to be honest, we never really wanted kids. We got to do all the traveling and things that you mention, and felt we had a good life. But then my first son was born (at age 35) and I was changed forever. We were blissfully happy with our one and only. But then he grew older and we realized that we wanted to give him family, a sibling. Enter baby #2, when I was 37 years old. At that point we were DONE. Like you, I suffer horribly during pregnancy and it gets worse each time. I basically check out of life for the first several months. Our jobs were going well and we had the nice little family unit. We got through the tough baby years and were excited about the prospect of traveling and doing fun things again – this time with the kids.

    Then – a surprise 3rd pregnancy. At age 39! And this pregnancy has unfortunately been the worst for me. Severe HG that put me out of work, the mental depression that goes with it, and all that while trying to care for two kids (our nanny perfectly timed her resignation for precisely when I needed her the most). I’m now nearing the end of this pregnancy and am fortunately feeling much HG relief but, like you, now have the sciatic and other physical issues. I’m in this precarious position where I want the baby to be born so that the pregnancy can end – but where I’m also petrified of handling three children ages 4 and under.

    All that to say that I love the ending of your post. Your thoughts and feelings upon delivering your third child. I know logically it will be the same for us as well. Don’t get me wrong – I’m very excited for this baby and my sons are overjoyed. It truly is a blessing and a miracle – and I am so thankful. It’s just something new and a bit scary and it is nice to read the thoughts of someone with similar experiences who is also going through it.

    • Thanks so much for sharing, Faye. It’s nice to meet someone (though I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!) who really understands the physical ills and as you say, the mental depression that comes with it. I can feel your pain and all your worries! I hope you have it somewhat smoother and easier now that you’re in your 3rd trimester. I’m sure you will all be so excited and blessed by the new bub’s arrival and most times, we just somehow cope and keep pottering along x Sending hugs and lots of good vibes your way – I hope you have a smooth and safe delivery!

    • I think my husband was a little worried too when he found out about bub #3 (he did hide it quite well though and kept up with the yes-i’m-very-excited-too). He’s always said he doesn’t want anymore kids after 30! But yes, I guess once you have your child in your life, you just can’t imagine life any other way and you wouldn’t change it for the world either!

  • I had HG with my daughter too. It was 2 years ago this week that I went into hospital for 3 days. Oh it was awful. People really cannot imagine. It was certainly worth it in the end, but I honestly got to a point where I contemplated ending the pregnancy at one point early on. My husband and I had agreed to stopping at the 2 but just recently he has started talking about haing a third. The prospect of trying to survive a HG pregnancy with an autistic 3-4 year old and a 1 year old terrifies me!

  • I have decided to stop at 2 but if a 3rd happened I would just go with it and I’m sure we would survive though I would struggle as I had the HORRIBLE version of morning sickness you speak of! Hospital visits and all, not fun!

  • I’ve always said that I wanted four children. My eldest is two and a half and my youngest is 14 months. I vomited until around 20 weeks with both boys – but I wouldn’t change it for the amazing gifts that I got at the end. I completely understand where you are coming from… and I think it sucks that you {and most other bloggers – including myself} feel the need to justify yourself online all the time as there are so many judgy people online taking what we right the wrong way. Express yourself the way you want to – this post touched me xox

  • Congratulations on your new girl! Before I met my husband I never really wanted kids. I wasn’t a ‘natural’ with them, I didn’t really like them but somehow I could see kids with him. Now I have one I really want another. Funny how things change. I suppose life knows what you want better than you do sometimes 🙂

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